When my friend passed away last fall, I let the tears flow freely and sometimes they were uncontrollable. The tears came often. Sometimes they came out of nowhere, but every time they came; I let the tears roll. I knew…
It is okay to be sad.
This truth struck me as I came across a journal entry which I obviously intended to share, but for whatever reasons did not:
I am feeling particularly sad this week. I am missing my friend. The last day I had on the schedule to go and sit with her, help out around the house or run errands has come and gone. The schedule only ran through October for those of us who were organized to help. I am sad that there are no more days with her name on my calendar to remind me of her. I fear losing my memory of her. Many reading this right now will possibly be uncomfortable with my sadness. Some may even judge me and think she has been gone for over a month now; it’s time to move on. But most are largely uncomfortable with sadness and do not know what to do with it.
During those first few months after her passing, everywhere I turned I saw her, I heard her. Everything reminded me of her. Even though it seemed all wrong, I was in a place where I knew…
It was okay to be sad.
But at some point about the frequency of uncontrollable tears began to lessen. Life seemed to creep in and take over providing a natural diversion from the pain. One day, something triggered a memory evoking emotions. I could feel the tears began to bubble to the surface, but before they did; I caught myself. I caught myself pushing back the tears. I tried changing my thoughts and attempting to manage my emotions. Had I taught myself…
It’s not okay to be sad anymore!
How did I get to this point? A point where I ran from the pain, felt the need to control and subdue it. The level of emotions still present was surprising. But more surprising was my response to this onslaught of emotions. I was blind sighted by the passing of time and an unrealistic expectation of how far along I thought I was supposed to be.
I do think sometimes it is okay to hold back the tears. It is important to keep it together to make it through the meeting, class or event. Running mascara, a Rudolf nose, blood shot swollen eyes would not be good.
Regardless of our source of pain, God gave us a plethora of emotions with which to experience this life. We weren’t meant to be on some constant elated high of one happy feeling after another. Life happens and we respond with laughter, anger, happiness, dread, delight, and sadness. These emotions help us live. Because each time we stuff, bury, ignore or avoid, we die a little. If these emotions are not expressed eventually in healthy ways, they will surface in unhealthy ways. A healthy expression of emotions result in a life being lived to the fullest, while unexpressed emotions become a cancer of the soul draining life slowly. From the outside one may seem to be living, but on the inside one is decaying.
It’s okay to be sad.
Perhaps uncomfortableness with sadness is a result of our culture’s constant pursuit of pleasure. Sadness counters this pursuit, because, well it is sad. Christians do this with the pursuit of God’s promises of heaven, His plan; He will work all things out. However, while these and a host of other promises we can claim during a time of loss are true, they are not meant to replace the sadness. The Psalms are doused with expressions of sadness and tears shed. Solomon surely understood this type of persistent sadness when he wrote “Even in laughter the heart is sad,” Proverbs 14:13. We can’t take sadness away nor should we. Sadness reflects someone was loved deeply, was cared for greatly, and is missed terribly. These are good things, special things and do not need to be placed on a shelf to be discounted.
Sadness then becomes a beautiful expression in honor of the love felt.
It is okay to be sad.
There is no appropriate time frame for grief. The grief from loss covers a wide span of time. Grief finds a seat in the back for most until something moves it to the front while others sorrow is always close by.
I am learning this in new ways as this is a firsthand journey for me in grief, because it hits closer to home than previous experiences of loss. I want others to be okay with sad too as we each need to feel and express this emotion as needed.
I am learning this all over again only six months into this grieving process. I am learning to let the tears flow freely again as I need and move into expressing my sadness regardless of any time frame. I wonder why I even care whether I cry or not? Ironically, I don’t event wear mascara.
It is good to accept and express this emotion of resurfacing sadness. May we all understand all emotions have their place and…
It’s okay to be sad.
(In loving memory of Daryl Cahill and the life she lived and in anticipation of one day sharing the life together that she now is living! Daryl was able to see Jesus face to face on September 19, 2011)
Dear Janae,
I appreciate your words of honesty…sensitivity and care in this writing!
Yes, GOD CARES about our tears, and He is all about letting us cry….cry to Him…and COME to Him, knowing we can find great peace and comfort in His great love and mercy. He relates in our sorrows, and knows our pain and suffering…..because He was there…He endured the cross for our sin/salvation….We are the JOY that that was set before Him, when He endured the cross, despised the same, and He is nowt sitting at the right hand of the throne of God in heaven….ever… interceding for us! Hebrews 12:2
“You number my wanderings; put your tears into Your bottle; are they not in Your book?” Psalm 56:8
This week marks ONE yr since my Mom went to heaven! Yes, there is great peace and comfort, even JOY knowing she is with her Savior…and I will one day join her…BUT…the tears still come! I am blessed they come as I LOVE my Mom and had a wonderful relationship with her all my life…She was the best, nurturing Mom, and the Mom, God knew I needed! She loved me unconditionally,and believed in me like our Father in heaven does! For this, I rejoice, for this, I miss her and I cry! God is NEAR! May the God of ALL COMFORT, continue to comfort you and me,…so we can comfort others with the comfort we have received. 2Cor. 1:3-4
I also remember your care and love for me and my mom as you came to her memorial service, I will always be grateful for the time you took to be there for me and my family…You cared and loved with God’s love…I may have never told you, but, it meant alot to me that you were there!…Your hugs and love touched my heart in God’s comfort at that time!
Love in Him, Kim
Yeah, it’s okay to miss them and be sad. My prayer partner has been gone almost 10 years now and sorry to tell you Janae, I still miss her and have had times when “Oh I got to call…, I can’t believe I thought that..” She was who I called first every time for anything. I think of Hebrews 12:1 “that since we have such a great crowd of witnesses…” that she is up there saying come on Carol, you can do it. Or she’s right next to Jesus to pray for me. Now I don’t cry as often as I did and when I am sad I use it as an opportunity to pray for her husband and children and so if you are thinking of Daryl often now it’s so you can pray for Chris & the kids more also.
As for the tears, you know I cry at the drop of a hat and I always joke that Jesus holds my tears in a vat not a vial, but I think it shows we have a heart and we are approachable, soft, caring and compassionate unlike some one who hugs stiff-armed, insensitive, aloof…. To mean it shows you are human and I think that’s why I love so much the verse “Jesus wept” so I don’t have to be ashamed because He was sad His friend died too.
Daryl was an awesome woman of God, wife, mother and friend. She was loved dearly and missed greatly and comforting to know without a doubt she is in heaven and one day, when we all get to heaven what a day of rejoicing that will be. (Especially for when I see my brother, walking, laughing, talking and dancing with Jesus, oh that will be glory for me!)
Judi and I facilitate a Divorce Care small group at FBC that (unfortuantely) welcomes new participants on an all too frequent basis. Many of these new individuals – primarily those who have been “left” by their spouces – arrive with their broken hearts on their sleeves…and the majority are trying to cope with an overwhelming sense of adandoned sadness. Most are in the sessions to understand what happened to them, how it is effecting them mentally, physically and spiritually and how each can “move on” beyond the immediate pain of betrayal. Eventually some simblance of normalacy begins to take hold in their lives on again and each re-acquires the necessary skills and confidence to manage their lives as a single person. Envitably, along their road to recovery, they are periodically ambushed by a deeply felt saddness, and they question whether or not they are truly on the road to recovery or if they have never begun that process at all. We tell them that such reoccuring episodes of personal saddness are to be expected, that they will lessen over time, but may never totally disappear as a forgotten memory. Your essay on “It’s Okay To Be Sad” are words of understanding and encouragement that each of our Divorce Care participants need to take to heart. With you permission, I would like to reproduce this post and distribute it to our present and future group members when we introduce our regurally scheduled session on Loneliness. Thank you for sharing your heart. I believe your words will further touch so many more lives of those who you will never meet but will benefit from your personal insights. God Bless you…
Thank you for honoring Daryl with your words
Janae,
I am so happy that I am not traveling this road alone. You have such a gift to express the words I need to hear. God is so GOOD! As you know, I am sort of a veteran of grief. I have surely not conquered it but am truly grateful to get permission to feel sad at times and not have to feel like it is time for me to “move on”. I think of my sweet friend Daryl daily as I do my little sister, Lisa. My comfort is in that they are together, with Jesus, preparing our place when we join them in heaven. It does not however, replace the fact that I miss them. I miss their voices, their laughs and just being able to pick up the phone and talk. Just when I think it is getting easier I have a “sad” day! It’s been four years since my sister left. I still have a hard time looking at her picture knowing she is no longer here. I guess it will never be easy, just less painful.
Thank you for permission to embrace my sadness and be okay with it!
Looking forward to joining my friends and family…